|
TheGurlNextDoor
|
read my profile
sign my guestbook
Name: Briana
Birthday: 9/11/1981
Gender: Female
Interests: * Music (my passion) * Film (my escape) * Photography (my expression) * Travel (my adventure) * Reading (my peace) * James (my love) * Spectre (my support) * Service (my calling) * God (my everything)
Expertise: Throwing Parties for Old People. And do they party... also, Im known for a keen knowledge of discounts, travel, music (especially the art of a good mix), "seeing the art in the everyday", and am the Undefeated Oscar Champion
Occupation: Operations
Industry: Other
Message: message me
Member Since:
6/4/2003
|
|
| I moved!
But only online...
www.moore-musings.blogspot.com | | |
| My musings have moved...
if you miss them, ill tell you where to go ;)
here's my last post for awhile
So here is where I am on my 2008 reading list... I tend to switch things up as I go, but Im happy to be reading so much again! Im trying to get the books from the library and not buy (saving money), so I occassionally reread a favorite novel while waiting for other books.
Completed:
Angela's Ashes
Killing yourself to live
Wicked
High Fidelity (reread)
A Thousand splendid suns
Chronicles of Narnia 4-7 (Prince Caspian, Voyage of the Dawn treader, silver chair, last battle)
1984
Kabul
In the middle:
Catch me if you can (reread)
Grapes of Wrath
Upcoming:
East of Eden
3 cups of tea
The Secret Garden (reread, but I barely remember it from my childhood)
The Canal House
Anna Karenina
I already have 14 listed for 2009. hehe. *Sigh* I love reading
| | |
| I love sitting up at night because Im too hurt/annoyed to go to sleep (she says sarcastically).
Things are good overall. I think I have realized one of the greatest things about marriage is having that built in support. The lack of effort or maturity or just plain silliness on the parts of some friends tends to not sting as much when you have that person right there who quite obviously loves you very very much. 
Im trying to not let the little thing bug me tonight like it has, but Im also forcing myself to finally acknowledge the frustrations I still carry from my last single year of life. While I have found safety and comfort with James, I have also used it to hide from some people/issues. So now Im simply awake and thinking thinking thinking. Sorting sorting sorting.
On top of it all, Im planning a party and when Im doing that, I want to plan until I drop. hehe
I apologize that my updates are random and at times vague lately. I need to take the time to write when Im not exhausted. :) hehe | | |
| The message in church today talked about sacrifice and service. I realize this is actually an area that I argue with God about a lot. Not because I don't believe in it. I truly believe it is my calling, and it is something that I am drawn to. I was created with the heart of the Grinch at the end of the story. I cant nail down what my "love language" is, as I firmly hold to all 5. I can connect with and love people of all ages, backgrounds, lifestyles, and I truly believe that if you look hard enough, you can find goodness and value within everyone. I am not saying this to brag. Quite frankly, I have always struggled with seeing it as a positive, as a gift, as something that makes me "good". I am surrounded by brilliant, talented, artistic, logical, driven people. In our society, I feel that a large and loving heart is not particularly valued. This trait will never make me much money, that is for sure. It puts me in relationships that are rarely balanced in efforts. But it has led me into many experiences and relationships that I otherwise would never have found.
Sometimes I am thankful for that. But other times it hurts.
See, growing up in the church, I have learned to use that gift. Sadly, others have learned to use it (aka me) too. I was told so often how important it was to "use my giftings", yet I was never spoken to about boundaries. Nobody emphasized that one could be stretched to thin. Being as I was always willing, others stopped relying on themselves or on bringing more people in. Then, as people are human, I became nothing more than what I would do. Never who I was, or what I obviously needed... just what I could do. I understand that is life, but that is something the church and other organizations associated with christianity should really be wary of. I now am afraid to even have people know me at church, as whenever I step into one area, I am asked to be in 3.
I have noticed how this has affected my life outside of the church as an adult. How it has permeated my relationships. How I myself have changed from it. For example, Im much more timid than I was. The thought of really putting myself out there is not so much scary as it is exhausting. I have been told by my co-workers recently that I need to be louder and to project, and inside I laughed harder than I have in awhile. Me. Quiet. Such an odd thing to hear.
What I believe to be the hardest about it all is people dont realize what a lonely life it is for someone with a large heart. Quite frankly, it rarely seems to be refilled. This is where God and I argue the most. It so often leads a person to the thought of "WHY am I doing this? Why do I care? Why do I try?". Honestly, the most exhausting realization one can come to is when you are part way through helping someone, and you know deep down that there is not a person in the world who would likely do this for you. I have very few relationships with people who are like me, and those people tend to have a darker side. It is one that I understand. It is a bittersweet existence.
But you cant stop doing what you do, or being who you are. I know those like me are acting selfishly at times. Naively, I start off doing what I do expecting everyone lives this way and thinking would get it in return. At times I still do. Sometimes I do it to feel good. Sometimes I do it to "be a good person". But mostly, it is just in my nature. It is not escapable.
I wish I was thought of and efforts were made equally in my relationships. I wish sometimes people would do nice things just to do them. I wish that when I decided to stop calling or planning others would come through. I wish that it was consistent. I wish that as some of you are reading this, you aren't only now reminded that you havent tried in awhile. I wish a lot of things. I get bummed. Then I move on ... for awhile.
I know I expect too much. I can't expect people to live as I do in this way anymore than others can expect me to live by their own gifts/talents. But somehow (correct me, as Im probably wrong), this just feels more lonely, misunderstood, and forgotten than if I had some other way of living. Once again... I need to get over it.
Today, I thanked God for that gift, as I remembered again, it is something I value. Shoot, it is something He values, something he asks of us... in someways I should dance around in joy that he has made that part of his request in my life so easy. So yes, I am thankful. I asked for help to again try to stop fixating on what others find important. I asked for patience with my relationships. But, selfishly, with a sad little heart, I added as usual "but if you could find someone to care like I do, just for awhile, I could use it".
and with that, I end my ramble, go to change and have a meal with my husband (who does love me, and I know that full well), and spend time with people whom I love, despite it all.
Good night
| | |
| So I havent had much time to update, but I cant help sharing my most recent photo, as it makes me giggle.
it was for my photo a day project, this weeks theme being the 7 deadly sins. This is my image for Greed
| | |
|
